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| watched a video on an explorer whose name shall not be revealed here. thought it was really amazing how throughout the video I kept wondering, will he survive will they survive, but this person never stopped believing and he never ask the questions I did. he just fought hard for his life and harder for his people, his people never gave up too and herein lies true human spirit. I'm really not hopeful or an optimist, which I want to change since forever but I just can't. I always think of the negative side, take the defensive approach, emphasizes the what-ifs, the howevers..
for me, the purpose of the video (other than documenting his feats) is defeated. it's very apparent throughout the show who the leader was and while his determination and sheer perseverance is commendable, I never quite believe in a one-leader team. okay I don't know the technical term for that, like just the opposite of having shared leadership. even though it is common sight, in top management teams, government, or anything with hierarchy of any sort. perhaps this is why I don't believe in heroes and cannot really appreciate heroes-based shows, especially if the ending is good i.e. everybody lives. not that I like unhappy endings but it creates false impressions of life being so awesome and beautiful when it really isn't that perfect. okay will just take it that heroes have good karma from doing good deeds and saving the world from villains.
J just called, I'm glad everything is finally okay and we can still talk like friends.
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| had a very heated argument with my dad today (about something rather silly) at the possibly worst place an argument can take place and he "threatened" to slap me. and that's something that I never ever hear him say (but of course he didn't, otherwise this entry could be really angry and nasty) had a mini cold war, then I talked to him expecting him to flare up but he didn't. instead, he was so understanding and he explained to me very nicely after, which I thought was so unexpectedly sweet.
friends may disappoint or backstab you, lovers may leave or cheat on you, but the people who will never forsake me are my family. immediate family, of course. cliche max, but true. I can not imagine one day if any one of them leaves me,and I would never ever want to be in that position. I am glad, cause they love me unconditionally and selflessly and will never forsake me, their children is their life, their reason behind every decision they make.
so the point of this entry is to remember that today, I am very very very contented, with myself, with my life. cause I remember how much they sacrifice for us and how much they love me. how they are willing to give up everything for my happiness and well-being. I am very thankful cause I know not everyone has the privilege of being in my position, or can say all these with absolute certainty, having such awesome loving and friendship/kinship with them. and I know very well that I don't treat them the way they deserve to be, there were many occasions when I let them down or not being entirely truthful with them, but I still love them. hence this shall also be a reminder of my lousiness and failure as a daughter.
everyone's been going through so much recently, one way or another. and i wish, that they can be strong enough, for themselves and the people who love them so dearly, so, in case I cannot be there for them, to hug them, to talk to them, or listen to them, they have the strength to get through whatever that comes.
on a completely random note, SOME BLOODY BASTARD FLASH THE HIGH BEAM AT ME TODAY LIKE THREE TIMES AND POINTED THE BLOODY FINGER AT ME. wasnt even my fault. KNN should have taken down his number plate hahaha
and I'm talking to kweepx now.
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| I have nothing to blog about, it will be too much if I were to blog about everything that happened since the last time I blogged cause it will overflow and I'm already starting to forget all the little details. so I will just be blogging about random things that come to my mind, and talk about retarded things that I don't really want to but just for the sake of, and to update friends.
so currently, back to school, many readings and loads of work to come. slightly fearful as to whether I can make it this semester, doing five modules this time and with really heavy modules and two morning classes, bad idea. friends are back, some friends left already, some friends didn't come back (you know who you are, omg im updating for you btw). I wanna shopppppp, haven't been shopping for a long time. OMG THIS IS SUCH A LOUSY UPDATE I should just shoot myself now hahahahaha this is probably the reason I stopped blogging.
is it strange if a relatively close friend doesn't open up to anyone that's in the same circle of friends? as in, not even anything too personal. is it asking for too much. does it mean that the person is just introverted or that the person doesn't trust you. will this spoil the friendship in a way that it will always remain stagnant, and not progress to something that can mean a little more than just hanging out, something deeper, something about the person that not everyone can see or know from the surface. maybe its just me, curious. an air of mystery that just keeps me guessing as to what kinda person he or she is. it's just scary, imagine hanging out with the person for a year, then to realise that he or she is someone totally different from what you expect or what you're familiar with.
sometimes, I think that I feel too little, like someone devoid of feelings and very selectively emotional. definitely, many people will think it's a good thing, to not be able to feel too much, to not get their hearts broken or not be grieving over one's loss, to not feel that you've put in so much love and yet it wasn't appreciated or reciprocated. but I rather feel all the hurt and the pain, to be able to love someone whole-heartedly, give my all and not regret. I think I've never done that before, maybe I selfishly put myself first cause I'm too scared that things won't work out so I rather hurt people than to get hurt. it's damn scary and I don't like it, that's not who I want to be.
recently there's been a wave of negative health news, it's so upsetting to hear em one after another and it's really scary, like they may happen so sudden and I don't want anything to happen to people around me (like anybody but the people I know) :/ so everybody, go for check ups regularly okayyyy.
OKAY I PROMISE TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
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| everytime I leave my house there's this very depressive effect. don't feel like saying anything or doing anything, just wanna be back home where it's cozy.
it's just being physically there, like a shell. a laugh doesn't feel like a laugh anymore. it's only polite to. it takes too much effort, not that its fake or pretending to be okay. but the body reacts automatically, I just don't feel it.
maybe I just enjoy indulging in this self-pity, that makes me feel better about myself, or makes me forget. that I refuse to give anything else attention, or anyone the respect that they deserve and I'm just ignoring everything that matters to me.
needs a little boost to get through this
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| this has nothing to do with the movie that I watched online with Cen and Trang.
thought I fell asleep an hour ago. turns out, I never really fell asleep the whole time. this happened yesterday, and the day before and so on. haven't had a proper good night rest. thought it will go away, but it doesn't. somedays I think to myself and silently pray, that hopefully someone can just take my bad dreams away. and I realised this IS my bad dream. I'm living it, and it will never go away. praying, for a miracle, secretly hoping that I'm thinking too much, but the truth says otherwise.
this is truly fear, like never before. I am scared of falling asleep, that when I wake up it will be the end, of my life essentially. and the beginning of something that I am not familiar with. and thinking back of everything i thought was "scary", whatever crap like watching some horror movie and being afraid of the supernatural, or exams stress. none of this even come close. it is simply life-changing and a change which is irreversible.
maybe I should tell somebody. its the holidays now so I know its okay to have sleepless nights. but I can't live my life like this forever. whoever out there truly concern, don't ask me, just pray that i will be okay when i wake up tomorrow (:
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